Maybe?
I may say that I am, I can say I am not. But what makes one happy?
a drink?
a smoke?
a principled stand?
a simple life?
a lover?
a car?
a house?
a flower?
a thorn?
Things , little things make me happy.
a smile
a friend
a consort
a healthy life
a meaningful life
But is this all?
Yes and no.
We are humans. Homo-sapiens.
We choose the time to be happy.
We create the time to be happy.
We decide when it is time to be happy.
So am I happy now?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, November 12, 2006
My Emancipation
My Emancipation
Wavering, I bravely faced the inevitable
of realizing that anger will do me no good.
And true enough, I have been emancipated
from the negative vibes that come with it.
Though not yet complete, I shall still endure
As I did for the last eight months of being angry.
When the time comes, when the realization is over
I shall be willingly to forgive even if not asked.
For the moment, I feel no more anger nor pain
despite the trauma that it did cost me
Then, I lived a life from a daily existence
Now, I look at life towards a better tomorrow.
And I am starting to see rainbows again
with its radiant colors teeming in front of me.
I may be in the middle of my mortal life
but I vow never to be hurt nor be used nor be sullied again
I vow that I shall learn to love as I love and we love
And accept that that love can be lost in any manner possible.
For the meaning of this wordly existence can never be complete
without the opposite being felt to create the equilbruim.
I have emerged from this triumphant, not downtrodden
For it is beckong a new lease on life - a new beginning.
A new journey , A new set of experiences
A rebirth. A homecoming. A welcome change.
That I can truly say that I have come back from reality
And set my foot clearly on the ground, just like a human.
As we need to all do. As humans.
My Dilemma
My dliemma
I am a polygamous monster. I am incapable of loving only one. I have the capacity to love more than one and carry
on a relationship with more than one.
Will that make me a rather despicable person? Will it reflect my low morality? Do I have the "moral ascendancy"
to be part of this group?
My life , you already know. My life, mysterious as it seems, is as transparent as everyone else. Predictable. Ratonal.
Intellectual. Malandi.
But i know that I ran counter to the natural laws of love. I am not monogamous. And I am not afraid of saying so.
That is life.
My Loneliness Part III
My Loneliness Part 3
I wish I could disparage the thoughts of evil men so that I can prevail over the frustrations. I wish I could be ominipresent so that I could sustain my thirst for life. But I am human indeed and I am doomed to fail , once in a while.
Why do I have to wait on longing for something that would not even come? Why do I have to drown in despair for something that is not even mine?
I saw the foreboding and I intentionally ignored it. I saw the signs and I looked the other way. I am blinded by the power of love that it does not augur well for my well-being. Am I now in the midst of cleansing stage that I have to unburden before the rest of the world so that I can be whole once again?
My sadness is silently creeping into my whole being. My inadequacies are resounding. I do not anymore know which is the way to go. I am nothing. I am chaos. I belong to the void.
My Loneliness Part !!
My Loneliness II
I have been found guilty of expressing an emotion that should not have been expressed in the first place. And when I so choose to tread on the path that will again beget a conflic in my life, will i rise up to the challenge and meet them head on?
I am forlorn because the more I feel love for a person and the more I give way and understand even if it is not reciprocated, am I crazy? Sad, because I choose to capture the rebound. Sad, because I know that thru experience, it will not lead nowhere. Sad, because I am beginning to fall again.
I hope that my loneliness is temporary. I hope that I will eventually get out of this denial stage that I can truly love a person for whatever worth it is. Sad, because I choose to feel the pain and not the happiness. Sad, because I choose to follow the dictates of my heart rather than the logic and the rational.
My Loneliness Part I
My Loneliness
I am about to commit the same mistake. I know that it is wrong but the feeling is stronger. Call it the temptation. And an ongoing battle is ensuing within me. Who will win? My mind or my heart?
I vowed that I will not let myself be hurt again. And here I am, practically toying with fire. Am I not that strong enough? Do I not have the strength to control that emotion? Am I a willing pawn? Do I become weak? Do I succumb again?
Questions! Questions ! I know the answers but I do not want to follow them. The call of the heart is powerful. The shouting is louder. The vibration is tumultous. I am about to erupt. Like a lava, it is slowly burning all that it touches. And like hell, I am forever damned.
I am lonely. I am very sad. My loneliness stems from an unsatiated desire to be with someone very far to reach. I am depressed. I am anxious. My loneliness is deep. I am an old man. A lonely old man.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Doubt and Silence
Sometimes, we are confronted with too many truths , half baked truths and many lies. And it confuses us to no end. Then the doubt persists. The human mind is besieged with so many data and thoughts that we cannot anymore decipher the real from the reel. Unkind to us, but that is how we humans live.
Doubts persists because we like to imagine a story. We like to tell a story. We like to end the story. OUR WAY. OUR THOUGHTS. OUR OWN PREJUDICE.
My rule? Keep silent when in doubt. Let the truth surface. Let the real come out. For it will always come out. Patience is the key. To the listless, this will cause so many sleepless nights. But to the stronger persons, it will shield them from the worries.
Our emotional processes dominate our thoughts when in doubt. Fight this. Let the rational take over. For a reckless thinking will lead to the most irrational decision.
Silence is like rest. It helps create the energy that will carry one to the finish. And when revitalized, the truth shall come out and the doubt will expire. If the truth is equal to the doubt, then face it head -on and calmly. For surely, the energy that you have saved will surely aid you in meeting the challenge face to face.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Givng Space
Space. A much daunted word that is seemingly becoming a cliché. Space. I want my space. I need a space. You give me space. Yan ang katagang naging dahilan ng mga me relasyon. Mapalalaki man o babae.
Ano ba ang space? Ang magbigay ng luwag para sa sariling oras at kapakanan? Really, a space is just like a breather that is needed once in a while before the two of you suffocate. Is it needed? Is it real? Is it a warning sign of a brewing disaster?
When someone starts asking for a space, it means only thing. Trying times. Damn trying times. I need to be alone. I need a respite. I need some air. Space.
It is no wonder then that relationships end up in ruins because either no space was granted or too space was too close to comfort that both have learned to forget the relationship. So how much space? Enough for a relationship to survive. Neither here nor there. Just that much.
Because giving space is not really a sacrifice. But a courtesy. Two persons cannot be one. Each has its own identity. Each has its own levity. Each has its own idiosyncrasy. And when too much had trespassed in each other’s turf, then a conflict arises.
Question is : Space is really needed? A breather? A spoiler of boredom? A motivation to be fresh? A foreboding of bad things to come?
All of the above. And when the relationship is handled well because there is that sense of understanding. A space is not a black star. A space is rest in aid of a relationship. For whatever what people think, even in a relationship, one cannot alter the fact that there are two distinct personalities that make a relationship and it should meld to be successful? Giving space is one of the aids that make it geld.
Especially in our alternative lifestyle. Especially when the odds are against having such a relationship. Perhaps it isn’t too much of a favor when such space is granted.
How one looks a giving space will dictate the result it is perceived it can give. And one looks at it in an adverse way, then surely giving space is not an effective mechanism because it will breed more anger than peace.
How about it guys? You think we need to give some space in a relationship?
+-
Ano ba ang space? Ang magbigay ng luwag para sa sariling oras at kapakanan? Really, a space is just like a breather that is needed once in a while before the two of you suffocate. Is it needed? Is it real? Is it a warning sign of a brewing disaster?
When someone starts asking for a space, it means only thing. Trying times. Damn trying times. I need to be alone. I need a respite. I need some air. Space.
It is no wonder then that relationships end up in ruins because either no space was granted or too space was too close to comfort that both have learned to forget the relationship. So how much space? Enough for a relationship to survive. Neither here nor there. Just that much.
Because giving space is not really a sacrifice. But a courtesy. Two persons cannot be one. Each has its own identity. Each has its own levity. Each has its own idiosyncrasy. And when too much had trespassed in each other’s turf, then a conflict arises.
Question is : Space is really needed? A breather? A spoiler of boredom? A motivation to be fresh? A foreboding of bad things to come?
All of the above. And when the relationship is handled well because there is that sense of understanding. A space is not a black star. A space is rest in aid of a relationship. For whatever what people think, even in a relationship, one cannot alter the fact that there are two distinct personalities that make a relationship and it should meld to be successful? Giving space is one of the aids that make it geld.
Especially in our alternative lifestyle. Especially when the odds are against having such a relationship. Perhaps it isn’t too much of a favor when such space is granted.
How one looks a giving space will dictate the result it is perceived it can give. And one looks at it in an adverse way, then surely giving space is not an effective mechanism because it will breed more anger than peace.
How about it guys? You think we need to give some space in a relationship?
+-
A different Me
A newer me? o yes, a lot. a total make over....
I never decided until recently that I needed to change everything ... my looks. I have dramatically changed. From a 38" waistline , I am now down to 31". From a heavy 190 lbs, I am now a slender 144 lbs. all in 7 months. A total makeover. and I will be visiting the gym soon... to firm up whatever lost I have made in the past.
It feels good. I feel sexy. I feel light. And my friends are noticing. I do not want to look like a 45 year old man. I want to look like a delectable 45 year old man! hahahahahahhahahahhaha..A statement!
and it is producing results..... whatever that means................
an ego-boost, you tell me. Oh , definitely! for why not? I can be what the younger men of these days can possibly be. I have learned to realize that having a good phsyique is quite advantageous. and it is making its dent. For surely, I can still be on the watch prey! hahahahahahaha
Come on, guys. We don't want to be looking like respectable 45 year olds. Let us look like tasty 45 year old guys! And I am not kidding.........
I never decided until recently that I needed to change everything ... my looks. I have dramatically changed. From a 38" waistline , I am now down to 31". From a heavy 190 lbs, I am now a slender 144 lbs. all in 7 months. A total makeover. and I will be visiting the gym soon... to firm up whatever lost I have made in the past.
It feels good. I feel sexy. I feel light. And my friends are noticing. I do not want to look like a 45 year old man. I want to look like a delectable 45 year old man! hahahahahahhahahahhaha..A statement!
and it is producing results..... whatever that means................
an ego-boost, you tell me. Oh , definitely! for why not? I can be what the younger men of these days can possibly be. I have learned to realize that having a good phsyique is quite advantageous. and it is making its dent. For surely, I can still be on the watch prey! hahahahahahaha
Come on, guys. We don't want to be looking like respectable 45 year olds. Let us look like tasty 45 year old guys! And I am not kidding.........
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Happy Endings........???????
In one of the threads in the vast internet, i came across a discussion where someone asked if there is indeed a happy ending. I guess this means in a relationship. I will talk in general here. I will not distinguish between heterosexual and homosexual relationship. But plain relationship in general.
I was suprised when I read that there are some who do not believe in happy endings. just being cynical? Our purpose in life is to live in happiness. that is the ultimate objective of our existence. but because we are humans, we falter and fall. And we misconstrue everything that happens to us.
Happy endings are supposed to happen. Happy endings must happen. That is my proposition. Things end up sad or tragic is because we view things differently. We crave for revenge. We long for pity. We ask for deliverance. We pray for the heaven. And when things do not emerge as we hope for, we are devasted. Kaya we see it in a different way.
Thinking otherwise, if we do not expect things, then we do not encounter the negatives. And we look at positive perspective. We do not say "we were not mean for each other" . We say "our time has come to pass and there is a wide range of choice for us to move forward". Two disparate notions, but only singular in effect. How ironic, isn't it?
We always side on the negative aspect. Because it is more dramatic? Being happy is a given? is this the reason why we give it a little thought?
On the premise that two distinct individuals fall for each other, have a relationship and part ways, which is the best way to go? Happy or Sad? Of course, you would say happy, Everyone likes it to happen that way..... And unfortunately, it doesn't so we cope and become happy again. A palliative perhaps to ease the pain? No, there is no such thing. A relationship is bound to end sooner or later, literally and figuratively. Like finite creatures that we are, relationships are not a lifetime phenomena.
So what will make a happy ending? Fairy tells have all the classic examples of how a relationshiop should go, if one wants to become happy. But those are fairy tales. In reality, what make us happy then? I submit that there is no distinct difference at all. Relattionshps are just relationships. For both to endure.
So, we have to make the best while it is still there. And while it is happy. For it not, why stay in a relationship?
Life is good, but life can be mean. But what the heck!
I was suprised when I read that there are some who do not believe in happy endings. just being cynical? Our purpose in life is to live in happiness. that is the ultimate objective of our existence. but because we are humans, we falter and fall. And we misconstrue everything that happens to us.
Happy endings are supposed to happen. Happy endings must happen. That is my proposition. Things end up sad or tragic is because we view things differently. We crave for revenge. We long for pity. We ask for deliverance. We pray for the heaven. And when things do not emerge as we hope for, we are devasted. Kaya we see it in a different way.
Thinking otherwise, if we do not expect things, then we do not encounter the negatives. And we look at positive perspective. We do not say "we were not mean for each other" . We say "our time has come to pass and there is a wide range of choice for us to move forward". Two disparate notions, but only singular in effect. How ironic, isn't it?
We always side on the negative aspect. Because it is more dramatic? Being happy is a given? is this the reason why we give it a little thought?
On the premise that two distinct individuals fall for each other, have a relationship and part ways, which is the best way to go? Happy or Sad? Of course, you would say happy, Everyone likes it to happen that way..... And unfortunately, it doesn't so we cope and become happy again. A palliative perhaps to ease the pain? No, there is no such thing. A relationship is bound to end sooner or later, literally and figuratively. Like finite creatures that we are, relationships are not a lifetime phenomena.
So what will make a happy ending? Fairy tells have all the classic examples of how a relationshiop should go, if one wants to become happy. But those are fairy tales. In reality, what make us happy then? I submit that there is no distinct difference at all. Relattionshps are just relationships. For both to endure.
So, we have to make the best while it is still there. And while it is happy. For it not, why stay in a relationship?
Life is good, but life can be mean. But what the heck!
Monday, February 14, 2005
Hello Back to Me
It's been months since I last posted a blog, or rather a comment. This series is not yet about to end. I am still in my golden moment.
So, what happened to me from the last time? I got real busy. From WORK, what else? It would be the only thing that can make me real busy. Nothing or nobody can make work like a bee, except work itself. A certified workaholic, yes I am.
Now comes the hardest part. Do I like my work? Yes and no. Yes, because it brings me ego boost, knowing that my work is excellent. No, because, it tires me a lot. Excellence demands perfection. Excellence demands that you give it 100% devotion. But it is very tiring, indeed. How ironic, hindi ba?
I decided to retire next year, in August 2006. It is my tenth year in the bank and I will opt to take my optional retirement. Why? One, I need to enjoy the money that I can get out of my retirement. Two, I am planning to work abroad so that I can rest. Yes, you read it right, to rest. Abroad, there is less pressure, minsan nga wala pa nga. I finish what it is assigned and it is utterly forbidden to take in what is assigned. Yes, people that is true. And that is an advantage to me. A week;s schedule will be given to you before the end of the previous week and you will have the time to tinker with your schedule. More often than not, tapos na ako ng Wednesday of the following week. And I pretend to look busy for the rest of the week. Hindi ba maganda?
Yes, that is the work that I would like to have. I wouldn't want to say na walang challenge, but surely, one gets paid reasonably. Dito, slave ang dating mo. Kung mataas sueldo mo, susulitin ng husto sa iyo.
Just like now. kasi nga pa-impress, ayan napansin ang work ko. I am a very conscientious and diligent worker kaya napansin. Wala akong magagawa , second nature ko na yan. It cannot be otherwise. Masarap pakinggan kasi nga pinupuri ka. Pero hindi tinatanggap sa palengke ang mga papuri. Ang kailangan pambayad. I am a very practical fellow. I like my job because it pays the bills. Kaso, kulang na kulang na. Unlike before, I can survive, pero ngayon, hay ang hirap. I cannot get a second job because my current job demands full attention. Isa pa, bawal sa amin especially na magkakaron ng conflict of interest.
Now I am beginning to be recognized. Despite the fact that nilaglag nila ako sa performance rating last year, I will sock it to their face that I really deserve to get an excellent rating. Hindi pagyayabang, but I work and continue to working hard for it. I have to surpass whatever it is because I drive myself to nuts, to perfection.
I am embarking on a serious threshold of my career life. I will be involved in launching a product that will be the first in the Philippines. And I take particular pride in saying so. This project has meant so much, that I practically ignore the rest. Coming from a workaholic, it only means that I devote 2,000 % on this project while I give 100% on my other 4 projects. Sounds pathetic? You bet my ass. That is the way I work.
Kaya ang gawain ko pagdating sa bahay, kundi internet, libro o kaya tutunganga na lang. That is rest to me. At 44, I hope I can still withstand this driven life. My last hurrah into the realm of hard work. After my retirement, it will be a breeze for me. And I will treat my future job just like a vacation. For nothing can compare the work that I am currently doing.
My advise to you, guys, huwag ninyo akong gayahin. You either lose your sanity or you get sick. But if you can hack it, it wiil be very rewarding and satisfying. Ego booster, ika nga.
So, what happened to me from the last time? I got real busy. From WORK, what else? It would be the only thing that can make me real busy. Nothing or nobody can make work like a bee, except work itself. A certified workaholic, yes I am.
Now comes the hardest part. Do I like my work? Yes and no. Yes, because it brings me ego boost, knowing that my work is excellent. No, because, it tires me a lot. Excellence demands perfection. Excellence demands that you give it 100% devotion. But it is very tiring, indeed. How ironic, hindi ba?
I decided to retire next year, in August 2006. It is my tenth year in the bank and I will opt to take my optional retirement. Why? One, I need to enjoy the money that I can get out of my retirement. Two, I am planning to work abroad so that I can rest. Yes, you read it right, to rest. Abroad, there is less pressure, minsan nga wala pa nga. I finish what it is assigned and it is utterly forbidden to take in what is assigned. Yes, people that is true. And that is an advantage to me. A week;s schedule will be given to you before the end of the previous week and you will have the time to tinker with your schedule. More often than not, tapos na ako ng Wednesday of the following week. And I pretend to look busy for the rest of the week. Hindi ba maganda?
Yes, that is the work that I would like to have. I wouldn't want to say na walang challenge, but surely, one gets paid reasonably. Dito, slave ang dating mo. Kung mataas sueldo mo, susulitin ng husto sa iyo.
Just like now. kasi nga pa-impress, ayan napansin ang work ko. I am a very conscientious and diligent worker kaya napansin. Wala akong magagawa , second nature ko na yan. It cannot be otherwise. Masarap pakinggan kasi nga pinupuri ka. Pero hindi tinatanggap sa palengke ang mga papuri. Ang kailangan pambayad. I am a very practical fellow. I like my job because it pays the bills. Kaso, kulang na kulang na. Unlike before, I can survive, pero ngayon, hay ang hirap. I cannot get a second job because my current job demands full attention. Isa pa, bawal sa amin especially na magkakaron ng conflict of interest.
Now I am beginning to be recognized. Despite the fact that nilaglag nila ako sa performance rating last year, I will sock it to their face that I really deserve to get an excellent rating. Hindi pagyayabang, but I work and continue to working hard for it. I have to surpass whatever it is because I drive myself to nuts, to perfection.
I am embarking on a serious threshold of my career life. I will be involved in launching a product that will be the first in the Philippines. And I take particular pride in saying so. This project has meant so much, that I practically ignore the rest. Coming from a workaholic, it only means that I devote 2,000 % on this project while I give 100% on my other 4 projects. Sounds pathetic? You bet my ass. That is the way I work.
Kaya ang gawain ko pagdating sa bahay, kundi internet, libro o kaya tutunganga na lang. That is rest to me. At 44, I hope I can still withstand this driven life. My last hurrah into the realm of hard work. After my retirement, it will be a breeze for me. And I will treat my future job just like a vacation. For nothing can compare the work that I am currently doing.
My advise to you, guys, huwag ninyo akong gayahin. You either lose your sanity or you get sick. But if you can hack it, it wiil be very rewarding and satisfying. Ego booster, ika nga.
Friday, November 26, 2004
The Day Passed
Last November 2o, I reached the age of 44. At last! Anyway, it was not much. What did I do? Nothing, perhaps except to attend the birthday party of a friend, whose natal day fell on the 21st and celebrated it on the 20th. It has been 2 years straight since ke kept on inviting me to his party at nakakalibre ako ng handa. Kaya hayun, pinaghanda niya talaga both our birthday. What a sweet and thoughtful friend!
So what is it like to age 1 year more? walang pinagbago. just the same. ang mahirap nga lang, tinamaan ang ego kasi nga tumanda ng isang taon pa. I hope I gained some insights pa rin as I grow old at para naman hindi ako tumanda ng paurong.
Wala akong masyadong mood ngayon magsulat. next time na ulit. sa susunod babawian ko kayo ng isang kilometrong panulat ko... ngayon eto lang muna........
So what is it like to age 1 year more? walang pinagbago. just the same. ang mahirap nga lang, tinamaan ang ego kasi nga tumanda ng isang taon pa. I hope I gained some insights pa rin as I grow old at para naman hindi ako tumanda ng paurong.
Wala akong masyadong mood ngayon magsulat. next time na ulit. sa susunod babawian ko kayo ng isang kilometrong panulat ko... ngayon eto lang muna........
Monday, November 15, 2004
Emphasis on Focus
As a Scorpion, I have been described by colleagues as praning and very obsessive in getting things done. More so in my personal affairs. The distinct trait a Scorpion can have is his passion. In little things. In big things. In petty things. Moreso, that Scorpions treat life as one big drama, stubornly clinging to an ideal that is full of sparkle and confusion. Dazzling, ika nga. A roller-coaster ride of emotions, happy and sad combined. And when it reaches the zenith, one comes down to earth, faced with reality as one should.
In the twilight of my golden years, I have not yet come full circle. I may have achieved some but I feel not yet complete. I still have to take my MBA. I still have to get my second car. I still have to have a house. I still have to do my first published essay. Marami pa.
So what do I still lack? Focus. I am waylaid by so many things in my mind. I have to take them one by one so that I can accomplish something. And why do I lack focus? Because I am already tired and drained, so to speak. Bakit? I just wanted to give up on life and retrogress. Ewan ko ba, this latent depression is very persistent. I feel awkward pouring all of my pent-up anger here in this blog that I may bore many. But I do not care. The blog is my space, my universe, my safety net. My diary. And I am sharing this with all of you.
Focus may sound so easy to achieve if one is determined. But I am not. I would like to take on life so easily. I want life to be a bed of roses. Pero d puede. Ako nga alam na alam ko na pero di ko pa ginagawa. Stubborn nga kasi. Tamad pa.
I don't know how long can I keep on going this way. Maybe this is a stage. Andropause stage, perhaps? on reaching middle age? Siguro nga. Leaving my youth behind, I am still in denial.
But then, kahit anong deny ang gawin ko, andyan na ang pagtanda. D na maiiwasan.
ang buhay talaga!!!!
In the twilight of my golden years, I have not yet come full circle. I may have achieved some but I feel not yet complete. I still have to take my MBA. I still have to get my second car. I still have to have a house. I still have to do my first published essay. Marami pa.
So what do I still lack? Focus. I am waylaid by so many things in my mind. I have to take them one by one so that I can accomplish something. And why do I lack focus? Because I am already tired and drained, so to speak. Bakit? I just wanted to give up on life and retrogress. Ewan ko ba, this latent depression is very persistent. I feel awkward pouring all of my pent-up anger here in this blog that I may bore many. But I do not care. The blog is my space, my universe, my safety net. My diary. And I am sharing this with all of you.
Focus may sound so easy to achieve if one is determined. But I am not. I would like to take on life so easily. I want life to be a bed of roses. Pero d puede. Ako nga alam na alam ko na pero di ko pa ginagawa. Stubborn nga kasi. Tamad pa.
I don't know how long can I keep on going this way. Maybe this is a stage. Andropause stage, perhaps? on reaching middle age? Siguro nga. Leaving my youth behind, I am still in denial.
But then, kahit anong deny ang gawin ko, andyan na ang pagtanda. D na maiiwasan.
ang buhay talaga!!!!
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Reckoning - All Saints Day
Today is November 1, 2004. Holiday dito sa Pilipinas. Tomorrow me pasok na sa office. And I was able to rest since Saturday. What a rest! And as the day looms to go back to reality, I felt the urge to write this piece.
It has been more than year ago, June 18, 2003 to be exact, that I lost my youngest brother. It shattered me to no end. He was practically a son to me, since I was 14 years older. I was the one who was near my mother when she gave birth to Tyron. I saw him thru school. When my father died, he was just in Grade 3 or 4 ata. I saw graduate in high school. I saw him graduate in college. When I left home to become independent, hw was with me.
God knows, how I love my brother very much! I cannot forget that day, June 8, 2003 when I got a call from my aunt who phoned in to call that Tyron was in the hospital and my cousin was with him, all alone. I rushed to the hospital and saw him in pain. He met an accident. The work of an irresponsible and arrogant jeepney driver who tried to overtake a jeepney and in turn, banged his jeep into a parked trailer along Recto Avenue, just in front of San Sebastian College.
I was devastated. But I controlled my emotions and put my mind into work. My other brother and his wife arrived two hours later. It was only when I arrived that I saw some action on my brother. These government hospitals are lousy. And I would never dare bring anyone close to me to Jose Reyes Memorial. Baka pa sa UP-PGH me mangyari pa.
10 days. It took him 10 days to live after that. I was basking in the hope that he would live. I agreed to a critical brain operation. I have no choice. It was something that I gambled because it brought hope. Cynical that I am, I was holding into that hope. Hope that he will be able to hack it.
I never thought that I could cling into that hope. I was on verge of breakdown. I never showed any distress so as not to distract my mother. I would not want to add to her dilemma. And I would see to it that she rested while in the hospital. We practically lived at Chinese General Hospital for 10 days.
And suddenly, everything went berseck. My brother have an attack. There was an inflammation in the middle of his brain and even an another operation was ruled out. I would have sold my soul to let that tinge of hope remained. Why was it that every time I enter the ICU, something has to happen? Why is it until the last days, my brother would not want to see me hurt? Why?
I have never prayed so hard in my life than then. I just remembered when I was in the hospital chapel with my mother, there was somebody also praying and she looked so serene. I felt the calming effect everytime I took a glance at her. But I ignored. Left to my distress, I cried. I wanted God to give my brother a chance. I was gambling with my life.... to get me instead of my brother. And I bargained hard. And of course, it was not granted.
4 days before that fateful day, I already prepared for the inevitable. I decided on Funeraria Paz. Natawa nga yung kausap ko dun, kasi nung tinanong ako, kung saan kukunin ang body, sabi ko daw, " wala pa, mamatay pa lang, hindi ko alam kung kelan. pag nakapag-decide na ako." The nerve. Tinignan ako ng mga tao pati na mga best friend ng brother ko. It just blurted out. My rational mind is already prepared. But, I was in complete denial. I was still clinging on that hope.
Pagbalik ko sa hospital, I had a heart to heart talk with the doctor. No hope. Let us just wait. And we waited. I signed the waiver to give consent not to give any aggressive life sustaining procedures should anything happened. And I transferred him to the normal room, out of ICU. And we waited. And he did not give in. And I still held on. Sabi ko, tomorrow, we will do it (Monday). Monday came and I did nothing. Lumakas pa ulan. Hindi rin puede Tuesday kasi color coding ang kotse ko. D ako makakagalaw. Hintay ulit. Baka me milagro pang mangyari. Wednesday, I finally let go. A kind nun came into the room and I practically cried my heart out and said my goodbyes to my brother. I asked for God's forgiveness for being so selfish. My brother would not go because I would not want him to go. Even to the last, he was still the obedient brother that I have. And he was waiting for me , giving me time to decide and he will just follow. But I could not hold it longer. I was prolonging the inevitable. And I gave in. Caved in the last desire of hope and I surrendered him to his Creator. In his Goodness. And I know he will be more safe and happy with Him than with me. And I understood. Completely. Full of shame, I asked for His forgiveness. And I felt light.
I asked my brother to remove the life support systems. And we waited. And he passed away as quickly as it was removed. He did not even gasp. He was gone all along. And I bid him adieu. I waited for my mother to be brought home to prepare for the wake. And I asked the hospital staff to give me time again. I said goodbye. I told him to follow God's Light, to feel God's presence, to bask in His GLory.
And I kissed him for the last time. Embraced that cold body with all the strength I can muster. And his friends never dared touch or control me that time. They knew. I had to be with him, just that last moment.
Yes, I have already made my tribute to him in another fora. But I never unloaded myself this much. And looking back, I still cry. Catharsis. Memories. After thoughts. And confident that he is with His Creator who love him so much that He welcomed him with open, caring and loving arms.
Today, I remember him. Today, I ask again for God's pardon. Today, I requested God to look after him. And with that prayer, to look after us the living. My brother is happy in His presence. But we the living need God's Help more than the dead. We still have to battle with the realities of life. We have to prove that our life is qualified to appear in HIs presence when our time comes.
And why is it that we are finding difficulty in doing so? God, help us. Please show us the way to your Heart. Please do not leave us in our hours of distress. Please help us strengthen our resolve in not committing any transgressions. Please guide us always so that we will become more deserving to face when You call us to your heavenly abode.
Thank you, God, for Your omnipresence and still tickling us to remind us that Your are still around. Thank you, Lord, for giving us the graces despite our frailties and inequities. You are truly one good God. And I love you so much. Please teach more to love You that way that You deserved to be loved.
It has been more than year ago, June 18, 2003 to be exact, that I lost my youngest brother. It shattered me to no end. He was practically a son to me, since I was 14 years older. I was the one who was near my mother when she gave birth to Tyron. I saw him thru school. When my father died, he was just in Grade 3 or 4 ata. I saw graduate in high school. I saw him graduate in college. When I left home to become independent, hw was with me.
God knows, how I love my brother very much! I cannot forget that day, June 8, 2003 when I got a call from my aunt who phoned in to call that Tyron was in the hospital and my cousin was with him, all alone. I rushed to the hospital and saw him in pain. He met an accident. The work of an irresponsible and arrogant jeepney driver who tried to overtake a jeepney and in turn, banged his jeep into a parked trailer along Recto Avenue, just in front of San Sebastian College.
I was devastated. But I controlled my emotions and put my mind into work. My other brother and his wife arrived two hours later. It was only when I arrived that I saw some action on my brother. These government hospitals are lousy. And I would never dare bring anyone close to me to Jose Reyes Memorial. Baka pa sa UP-PGH me mangyari pa.
10 days. It took him 10 days to live after that. I was basking in the hope that he would live. I agreed to a critical brain operation. I have no choice. It was something that I gambled because it brought hope. Cynical that I am, I was holding into that hope. Hope that he will be able to hack it.
I never thought that I could cling into that hope. I was on verge of breakdown. I never showed any distress so as not to distract my mother. I would not want to add to her dilemma. And I would see to it that she rested while in the hospital. We practically lived at Chinese General Hospital for 10 days.
And suddenly, everything went berseck. My brother have an attack. There was an inflammation in the middle of his brain and even an another operation was ruled out. I would have sold my soul to let that tinge of hope remained. Why was it that every time I enter the ICU, something has to happen? Why is it until the last days, my brother would not want to see me hurt? Why?
I have never prayed so hard in my life than then. I just remembered when I was in the hospital chapel with my mother, there was somebody also praying and she looked so serene. I felt the calming effect everytime I took a glance at her. But I ignored. Left to my distress, I cried. I wanted God to give my brother a chance. I was gambling with my life.... to get me instead of my brother. And I bargained hard. And of course, it was not granted.
4 days before that fateful day, I already prepared for the inevitable. I decided on Funeraria Paz. Natawa nga yung kausap ko dun, kasi nung tinanong ako, kung saan kukunin ang body, sabi ko daw, " wala pa, mamatay pa lang, hindi ko alam kung kelan. pag nakapag-decide na ako." The nerve. Tinignan ako ng mga tao pati na mga best friend ng brother ko. It just blurted out. My rational mind is already prepared. But, I was in complete denial. I was still clinging on that hope.
Pagbalik ko sa hospital, I had a heart to heart talk with the doctor. No hope. Let us just wait. And we waited. I signed the waiver to give consent not to give any aggressive life sustaining procedures should anything happened. And I transferred him to the normal room, out of ICU. And we waited. And he did not give in. And I still held on. Sabi ko, tomorrow, we will do it (Monday). Monday came and I did nothing. Lumakas pa ulan. Hindi rin puede Tuesday kasi color coding ang kotse ko. D ako makakagalaw. Hintay ulit. Baka me milagro pang mangyari. Wednesday, I finally let go. A kind nun came into the room and I practically cried my heart out and said my goodbyes to my brother. I asked for God's forgiveness for being so selfish. My brother would not go because I would not want him to go. Even to the last, he was still the obedient brother that I have. And he was waiting for me , giving me time to decide and he will just follow. But I could not hold it longer. I was prolonging the inevitable. And I gave in. Caved in the last desire of hope and I surrendered him to his Creator. In his Goodness. And I know he will be more safe and happy with Him than with me. And I understood. Completely. Full of shame, I asked for His forgiveness. And I felt light.
I asked my brother to remove the life support systems. And we waited. And he passed away as quickly as it was removed. He did not even gasp. He was gone all along. And I bid him adieu. I waited for my mother to be brought home to prepare for the wake. And I asked the hospital staff to give me time again. I said goodbye. I told him to follow God's Light, to feel God's presence, to bask in His GLory.
And I kissed him for the last time. Embraced that cold body with all the strength I can muster. And his friends never dared touch or control me that time. They knew. I had to be with him, just that last moment.
Yes, I have already made my tribute to him in another fora. But I never unloaded myself this much. And looking back, I still cry. Catharsis. Memories. After thoughts. And confident that he is with His Creator who love him so much that He welcomed him with open, caring and loving arms.
Today, I remember him. Today, I ask again for God's pardon. Today, I requested God to look after him. And with that prayer, to look after us the living. My brother is happy in His presence. But we the living need God's Help more than the dead. We still have to battle with the realities of life. We have to prove that our life is qualified to appear in HIs presence when our time comes.
And why is it that we are finding difficulty in doing so? God, help us. Please show us the way to your Heart. Please do not leave us in our hours of distress. Please help us strengthen our resolve in not committing any transgressions. Please guide us always so that we will become more deserving to face when You call us to your heavenly abode.
Thank you, God, for Your omnipresence and still tickling us to remind us that Your are still around. Thank you, Lord, for giving us the graces despite our frailties and inequities. You are truly one good God. And I love you so much. Please teach more to love You that way that You deserved to be loved.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Short on Temper - Typical of Middle Age ???
I have always been accused of being a grouch. Mataray. Sumpungin. Pero madaling lapitan. At my age now, it is becoming more prevalent. Is it because my body metabolism is changing as I grow old?
I easily get pissed off. Small matters. Large matters. I cannot tolerate stupidity. I cannot tolerate plain dumbness. But before I was so patient. Even utterly trying to teach some guys new tricks and lessons that go with their work. I am what you may call an adoring and conscientious teacher.
But now? well, i am very short on temper. Konti lang, I ignite with intensity. I feel sad because I am not this way before. Me napa-iyak ako kanina. Kawawa naman. Hindi naman ako sa kanya galit kundi dun sa boss niya , e siya nabalingan ko. I will apologize to her tomorrow.
Is this really natural for guys my age? Matandang binata na bugnutin? Physically, I am really a snob. Very unapproachable. But once you get to talk to me, I am quite amusing. I am a lousy person. I babble. I clown. Kaya nga lang, I am very candid. Outright candid talaga. If I am good, then I am polite. If I am not, then I get bitchy. People in my loop know this. They just take me for what I am. Hindi ko naman pine-personal e.
kaya, I think this is part of ageing. I am growing gold, ooops, old pala. I am nearing my golden years. And I do not know what to feel. I am afraid, kasi tatanda na ako. Nonetheless, I am pragmatic and I accept that this is part of what we all know as life. Haay, buhay. I wanted to live in suspended animation and just cherish the fond memories of youth. And that is wishful thinking. Daydreaming pa nga.
I easily get pissed off. Small matters. Large matters. I cannot tolerate stupidity. I cannot tolerate plain dumbness. But before I was so patient. Even utterly trying to teach some guys new tricks and lessons that go with their work. I am what you may call an adoring and conscientious teacher.
But now? well, i am very short on temper. Konti lang, I ignite with intensity. I feel sad because I am not this way before. Me napa-iyak ako kanina. Kawawa naman. Hindi naman ako sa kanya galit kundi dun sa boss niya , e siya nabalingan ko. I will apologize to her tomorrow.
Is this really natural for guys my age? Matandang binata na bugnutin? Physically, I am really a snob. Very unapproachable. But once you get to talk to me, I am quite amusing. I am a lousy person. I babble. I clown. Kaya nga lang, I am very candid. Outright candid talaga. If I am good, then I am polite. If I am not, then I get bitchy. People in my loop know this. They just take me for what I am. Hindi ko naman pine-personal e.
kaya, I think this is part of ageing. I am growing gold, ooops, old pala. I am nearing my golden years. And I do not know what to feel. I am afraid, kasi tatanda na ako. Nonetheless, I am pragmatic and I accept that this is part of what we all know as life. Haay, buhay. I wanted to live in suspended animation and just cherish the fond memories of youth. And that is wishful thinking. Daydreaming pa nga.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Tiring and Yet Not Fulfilling - Look foward Retirement Years at 43
Those who are slaves in the corporate world, yours truly included, have an never ending litany of how they wanted to get out of the arena that demand so much but does not give much in return. A salary? The bonus? The promotions? The what? One is only as good as his last rating. One is not indispensable. One can always be the fall guy. One is simply a simpleton that has to earn his keep.
Yes, it is tiring. Mondays to Fridays. 8:30 to 5:30. And sometimes, even more. The routine has become part of my life. And weekends have become sacrosanct to me. No work. But then, if needed, I have to work even on a god-dammed weekend.
Question? Am I happy? No. Am I fullfilled? No. Is this the way I want my life to be? No. But do I have a choice? NO. Then why I am here? Because I earn from it. My sustenance. And I have a tenure that I am keeping. So that in less than two years from now, I can get my optional retirement pay. That would be the day. That would be the time that I am looking forward. And then what?
Rest for a month. Then, take stock and look for options for income generating purposes. I have to live after work. I need to have an alternative income after retirement. I can teach. Oh, how I love to teach. During my hiatus, I plan to get my MBA. So that I can teach.
And I hope that I am looking forward to less hassles. I plan to put a small sari-sari store. Typical Filipino, right? Or maybe, a gotohan? or a canteen, perhaps. Or I can be a talent manager for those who want to get into the Japan scenes? Or a small videoke stuff? There are many options and all of these options are far more detached and different from what I can do now. I may want to go into theatre, but that is pushing the edge since I am already 43, and I don't think I can land cover page as your next boy next door personality. Ilusyon na yun!.
I can get to read as much books as I can get. I will try to upgrade my PC to become more powerful so that I can do some techie stuff while not doing something. I can practically be a bum, if I so choose. I can have many options. And it is mine to decide what will happen to me after retirement.
So, have I forgotten something? Ah yes, my insurances, I plan to continue. Get rid of my credit cards. Be frugal, but comfortable. Gone are the days of spending sprees. Gone will be the days of gimikan. It will be a quiet life ahead of me. And boy, am I looking forward to that time?
Ciao!
Yes, it is tiring. Mondays to Fridays. 8:30 to 5:30. And sometimes, even more. The routine has become part of my life. And weekends have become sacrosanct to me. No work. But then, if needed, I have to work even on a god-dammed weekend.
Question? Am I happy? No. Am I fullfilled? No. Is this the way I want my life to be? No. But do I have a choice? NO. Then why I am here? Because I earn from it. My sustenance. And I have a tenure that I am keeping. So that in less than two years from now, I can get my optional retirement pay. That would be the day. That would be the time that I am looking forward. And then what?
Rest for a month. Then, take stock and look for options for income generating purposes. I have to live after work. I need to have an alternative income after retirement. I can teach. Oh, how I love to teach. During my hiatus, I plan to get my MBA. So that I can teach.
And I hope that I am looking forward to less hassles. I plan to put a small sari-sari store. Typical Filipino, right? Or maybe, a gotohan? or a canteen, perhaps. Or I can be a talent manager for those who want to get into the Japan scenes? Or a small videoke stuff? There are many options and all of these options are far more detached and different from what I can do now. I may want to go into theatre, but that is pushing the edge since I am already 43, and I don't think I can land cover page as your next boy next door personality. Ilusyon na yun!.
I can get to read as much books as I can get. I will try to upgrade my PC to become more powerful so that I can do some techie stuff while not doing something. I can practically be a bum, if I so choose. I can have many options. And it is mine to decide what will happen to me after retirement.
So, have I forgotten something? Ah yes, my insurances, I plan to continue. Get rid of my credit cards. Be frugal, but comfortable. Gone are the days of spending sprees. Gone will be the days of gimikan. It will be a quiet life ahead of me. And boy, am I looking forward to that time?
Ciao!
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Disappointments
The insecurities at work come into play. At 43, I have nothing to prove. Actually, I am already a candidate to become a member of a group called "biding their time". and waiting for retirement to come. But that is not my nature.
I am a very pro-active person. I can make people move. I challenge the norms. I motivate people to work kahit hindi ko sila mga tao. I have foresight. I am keen on strategy. And most of people, I am a stiff and stubborn negotiator of contracts.
Even without trying, I overperform. Not that outstanding. But definitely more than what one calls "meeting the standards". And surely, I expect a reward in the form of a rating. Syempre. Consciously or unconsciously, andun yong expectations palagi. Bakit naman hindi? I toil because 1) I am fulfilled, 2) I know that I will be rewarded, 3) It is a job to be done for the company. But sometimes, reality sinks in. Hindi palaging ganun. There are realities that are hard to accept. I am a performance based person. I do not follow norms because I know that one has to extend the limit of up to what can one do. Beyond the scope. Beyond the realities. Dapat me added-value. But the corporate world is an ingrate. It does not work that way.
I am frustrated and disappointed at the way things happen. I feel bad because after all the efforts had been given and one is not given a deserving reward. I feel sad because it is my fault.
Starting tomorrow, I shall perform a work that is satisfactorily. Done in an efficient manner. Basta I just meet the standards. I have to live to that rating. Or else people will say that I do not deserve it. nakakahiya naman if i overperform and yet my rating is satisfactory.
Tomorrow, people will notice a big change. A transformation from an star performer to an average worker. Why give extra when one is not rewarded? That will be my advocacy. That will be my future direction. I shall wade my time until I am entitled to my optional retirement. And after that, goodbye to the corporate world. I shall be free from doing the work of others. Let them do the work. Let them toil. And I will just give them just enough to finish the job.
No added-value. No more competition. At least, in the next rating, hindi na sila mahirapan pa. Surely, I have low-morale now. Anger? It will come in later. Delayed ang reaction ko palagi. Until it sinks deep, I will not feel it now. Sa susunod siguro. At least ako, I will not be disappointed. I will just say that I deserve it truly.
That is the reality. And I hate it. And at my age, I do not want to play a martyr. I have nothing to lose if I do not overextend. I will just play it safe and just do my work normally.
I am a very pro-active person. I can make people move. I challenge the norms. I motivate people to work kahit hindi ko sila mga tao. I have foresight. I am keen on strategy. And most of people, I am a stiff and stubborn negotiator of contracts.
Even without trying, I overperform. Not that outstanding. But definitely more than what one calls "meeting the standards". And surely, I expect a reward in the form of a rating. Syempre. Consciously or unconsciously, andun yong expectations palagi. Bakit naman hindi? I toil because 1) I am fulfilled, 2) I know that I will be rewarded, 3) It is a job to be done for the company. But sometimes, reality sinks in. Hindi palaging ganun. There are realities that are hard to accept. I am a performance based person. I do not follow norms because I know that one has to extend the limit of up to what can one do. Beyond the scope. Beyond the realities. Dapat me added-value. But the corporate world is an ingrate. It does not work that way.
I am frustrated and disappointed at the way things happen. I feel bad because after all the efforts had been given and one is not given a deserving reward. I feel sad because it is my fault.
Starting tomorrow, I shall perform a work that is satisfactorily. Done in an efficient manner. Basta I just meet the standards. I have to live to that rating. Or else people will say that I do not deserve it. nakakahiya naman if i overperform and yet my rating is satisfactory.
Tomorrow, people will notice a big change. A transformation from an star performer to an average worker. Why give extra when one is not rewarded? That will be my advocacy. That will be my future direction. I shall wade my time until I am entitled to my optional retirement. And after that, goodbye to the corporate world. I shall be free from doing the work of others. Let them do the work. Let them toil. And I will just give them just enough to finish the job.
No added-value. No more competition. At least, in the next rating, hindi na sila mahirapan pa. Surely, I have low-morale now. Anger? It will come in later. Delayed ang reaction ko palagi. Until it sinks deep, I will not feel it now. Sa susunod siguro. At least ako, I will not be disappointed. I will just say that I deserve it truly.
That is the reality. And I hate it. And at my age, I do not want to play a martyr. I have nothing to lose if I do not overextend. I will just play it safe and just do my work normally.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
First Post - Insights into the Mind of the Man from Manila
At 43, life must continue to become normal and natural. Going to 44, it does seem to become more routinary. Books, the Net, films, good shows, they are just about the things that pre-occupy this busy man with a busy mind. Sometimes, it pays not to think at all. Because it gets tiring. But when the mind become idle, the thoughts become rotten. An exercise would be to write down the thoughts to make it work.
Middle-age life seems frightening to many. But not me. Why be scared to move on and collide head-on with the challenges that face a middle-aged single man? I am a forlorn creature, full of dreams, short on ideas, content with simple pleasures. Why make it difficult? Living is already a difficult task. Why be hard on oneself? Living everyday is already a task by itself. Tiring. Boring. Exciting. Blissful. But life is wonderful.
One has to move on. Create a scenery. Believe. Love. Cry. Frustrate. Anger. Angst?
Join me in my travails as I pursue the paradox that we call life. In a nutshell. Amidst a song. In the body of masterpiece.
I am rotogold. the golden year is yet to come. Welcome me into your perceptions. Follow my goals. Weep with me in my trials. Savor me in my happiness.
Middle-age life seems frightening to many. But not me. Why be scared to move on and collide head-on with the challenges that face a middle-aged single man? I am a forlorn creature, full of dreams, short on ideas, content with simple pleasures. Why make it difficult? Living is already a difficult task. Why be hard on oneself? Living everyday is already a task by itself. Tiring. Boring. Exciting. Blissful. But life is wonderful.
One has to move on. Create a scenery. Believe. Love. Cry. Frustrate. Anger. Angst?
Join me in my travails as I pursue the paradox that we call life. In a nutshell. Amidst a song. In the body of masterpiece.
I am rotogold. the golden year is yet to come. Welcome me into your perceptions. Follow my goals. Weep with me in my trials. Savor me in my happiness.
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