Last November 2o, I reached the age of 44. At last! Anyway, it was not much. What did I do? Nothing, perhaps except to attend the birthday party of a friend, whose natal day fell on the 21st and celebrated it on the 20th. It has been 2 years straight since ke kept on inviting me to his party at nakakalibre ako ng handa. Kaya hayun, pinaghanda niya talaga both our birthday. What a sweet and thoughtful friend!
So what is it like to age 1 year more? walang pinagbago. just the same. ang mahirap nga lang, tinamaan ang ego kasi nga tumanda ng isang taon pa. I hope I gained some insights pa rin as I grow old at para naman hindi ako tumanda ng paurong.
Wala akong masyadong mood ngayon magsulat. next time na ulit. sa susunod babawian ko kayo ng isang kilometrong panulat ko... ngayon eto lang muna........
Friday, November 26, 2004
Monday, November 15, 2004
Emphasis on Focus
As a Scorpion, I have been described by colleagues as praning and very obsessive in getting things done. More so in my personal affairs. The distinct trait a Scorpion can have is his passion. In little things. In big things. In petty things. Moreso, that Scorpions treat life as one big drama, stubornly clinging to an ideal that is full of sparkle and confusion. Dazzling, ika nga. A roller-coaster ride of emotions, happy and sad combined. And when it reaches the zenith, one comes down to earth, faced with reality as one should.
In the twilight of my golden years, I have not yet come full circle. I may have achieved some but I feel not yet complete. I still have to take my MBA. I still have to get my second car. I still have to have a house. I still have to do my first published essay. Marami pa.
So what do I still lack? Focus. I am waylaid by so many things in my mind. I have to take them one by one so that I can accomplish something. And why do I lack focus? Because I am already tired and drained, so to speak. Bakit? I just wanted to give up on life and retrogress. Ewan ko ba, this latent depression is very persistent. I feel awkward pouring all of my pent-up anger here in this blog that I may bore many. But I do not care. The blog is my space, my universe, my safety net. My diary. And I am sharing this with all of you.
Focus may sound so easy to achieve if one is determined. But I am not. I would like to take on life so easily. I want life to be a bed of roses. Pero d puede. Ako nga alam na alam ko na pero di ko pa ginagawa. Stubborn nga kasi. Tamad pa.
I don't know how long can I keep on going this way. Maybe this is a stage. Andropause stage, perhaps? on reaching middle age? Siguro nga. Leaving my youth behind, I am still in denial.
But then, kahit anong deny ang gawin ko, andyan na ang pagtanda. D na maiiwasan.
ang buhay talaga!!!!
In the twilight of my golden years, I have not yet come full circle. I may have achieved some but I feel not yet complete. I still have to take my MBA. I still have to get my second car. I still have to have a house. I still have to do my first published essay. Marami pa.
So what do I still lack? Focus. I am waylaid by so many things in my mind. I have to take them one by one so that I can accomplish something. And why do I lack focus? Because I am already tired and drained, so to speak. Bakit? I just wanted to give up on life and retrogress. Ewan ko ba, this latent depression is very persistent. I feel awkward pouring all of my pent-up anger here in this blog that I may bore many. But I do not care. The blog is my space, my universe, my safety net. My diary. And I am sharing this with all of you.
Focus may sound so easy to achieve if one is determined. But I am not. I would like to take on life so easily. I want life to be a bed of roses. Pero d puede. Ako nga alam na alam ko na pero di ko pa ginagawa. Stubborn nga kasi. Tamad pa.
I don't know how long can I keep on going this way. Maybe this is a stage. Andropause stage, perhaps? on reaching middle age? Siguro nga. Leaving my youth behind, I am still in denial.
But then, kahit anong deny ang gawin ko, andyan na ang pagtanda. D na maiiwasan.
ang buhay talaga!!!!
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Reckoning - All Saints Day
Today is November 1, 2004. Holiday dito sa Pilipinas. Tomorrow me pasok na sa office. And I was able to rest since Saturday. What a rest! And as the day looms to go back to reality, I felt the urge to write this piece.
It has been more than year ago, June 18, 2003 to be exact, that I lost my youngest brother. It shattered me to no end. He was practically a son to me, since I was 14 years older. I was the one who was near my mother when she gave birth to Tyron. I saw him thru school. When my father died, he was just in Grade 3 or 4 ata. I saw graduate in high school. I saw him graduate in college. When I left home to become independent, hw was with me.
God knows, how I love my brother very much! I cannot forget that day, June 8, 2003 when I got a call from my aunt who phoned in to call that Tyron was in the hospital and my cousin was with him, all alone. I rushed to the hospital and saw him in pain. He met an accident. The work of an irresponsible and arrogant jeepney driver who tried to overtake a jeepney and in turn, banged his jeep into a parked trailer along Recto Avenue, just in front of San Sebastian College.
I was devastated. But I controlled my emotions and put my mind into work. My other brother and his wife arrived two hours later. It was only when I arrived that I saw some action on my brother. These government hospitals are lousy. And I would never dare bring anyone close to me to Jose Reyes Memorial. Baka pa sa UP-PGH me mangyari pa.
10 days. It took him 10 days to live after that. I was basking in the hope that he would live. I agreed to a critical brain operation. I have no choice. It was something that I gambled because it brought hope. Cynical that I am, I was holding into that hope. Hope that he will be able to hack it.
I never thought that I could cling into that hope. I was on verge of breakdown. I never showed any distress so as not to distract my mother. I would not want to add to her dilemma. And I would see to it that she rested while in the hospital. We practically lived at Chinese General Hospital for 10 days.
And suddenly, everything went berseck. My brother have an attack. There was an inflammation in the middle of his brain and even an another operation was ruled out. I would have sold my soul to let that tinge of hope remained. Why was it that every time I enter the ICU, something has to happen? Why is it until the last days, my brother would not want to see me hurt? Why?
I have never prayed so hard in my life than then. I just remembered when I was in the hospital chapel with my mother, there was somebody also praying and she looked so serene. I felt the calming effect everytime I took a glance at her. But I ignored. Left to my distress, I cried. I wanted God to give my brother a chance. I was gambling with my life.... to get me instead of my brother. And I bargained hard. And of course, it was not granted.
4 days before that fateful day, I already prepared for the inevitable. I decided on Funeraria Paz. Natawa nga yung kausap ko dun, kasi nung tinanong ako, kung saan kukunin ang body, sabi ko daw, " wala pa, mamatay pa lang, hindi ko alam kung kelan. pag nakapag-decide na ako." The nerve. Tinignan ako ng mga tao pati na mga best friend ng brother ko. It just blurted out. My rational mind is already prepared. But, I was in complete denial. I was still clinging on that hope.
Pagbalik ko sa hospital, I had a heart to heart talk with the doctor. No hope. Let us just wait. And we waited. I signed the waiver to give consent not to give any aggressive life sustaining procedures should anything happened. And I transferred him to the normal room, out of ICU. And we waited. And he did not give in. And I still held on. Sabi ko, tomorrow, we will do it (Monday). Monday came and I did nothing. Lumakas pa ulan. Hindi rin puede Tuesday kasi color coding ang kotse ko. D ako makakagalaw. Hintay ulit. Baka me milagro pang mangyari. Wednesday, I finally let go. A kind nun came into the room and I practically cried my heart out and said my goodbyes to my brother. I asked for God's forgiveness for being so selfish. My brother would not go because I would not want him to go. Even to the last, he was still the obedient brother that I have. And he was waiting for me , giving me time to decide and he will just follow. But I could not hold it longer. I was prolonging the inevitable. And I gave in. Caved in the last desire of hope and I surrendered him to his Creator. In his Goodness. And I know he will be more safe and happy with Him than with me. And I understood. Completely. Full of shame, I asked for His forgiveness. And I felt light.
I asked my brother to remove the life support systems. And we waited. And he passed away as quickly as it was removed. He did not even gasp. He was gone all along. And I bid him adieu. I waited for my mother to be brought home to prepare for the wake. And I asked the hospital staff to give me time again. I said goodbye. I told him to follow God's Light, to feel God's presence, to bask in His GLory.
And I kissed him for the last time. Embraced that cold body with all the strength I can muster. And his friends never dared touch or control me that time. They knew. I had to be with him, just that last moment.
Yes, I have already made my tribute to him in another fora. But I never unloaded myself this much. And looking back, I still cry. Catharsis. Memories. After thoughts. And confident that he is with His Creator who love him so much that He welcomed him with open, caring and loving arms.
Today, I remember him. Today, I ask again for God's pardon. Today, I requested God to look after him. And with that prayer, to look after us the living. My brother is happy in His presence. But we the living need God's Help more than the dead. We still have to battle with the realities of life. We have to prove that our life is qualified to appear in HIs presence when our time comes.
And why is it that we are finding difficulty in doing so? God, help us. Please show us the way to your Heart. Please do not leave us in our hours of distress. Please help us strengthen our resolve in not committing any transgressions. Please guide us always so that we will become more deserving to face when You call us to your heavenly abode.
Thank you, God, for Your omnipresence and still tickling us to remind us that Your are still around. Thank you, Lord, for giving us the graces despite our frailties and inequities. You are truly one good God. And I love you so much. Please teach more to love You that way that You deserved to be loved.
It has been more than year ago, June 18, 2003 to be exact, that I lost my youngest brother. It shattered me to no end. He was practically a son to me, since I was 14 years older. I was the one who was near my mother when she gave birth to Tyron. I saw him thru school. When my father died, he was just in Grade 3 or 4 ata. I saw graduate in high school. I saw him graduate in college. When I left home to become independent, hw was with me.
God knows, how I love my brother very much! I cannot forget that day, June 8, 2003 when I got a call from my aunt who phoned in to call that Tyron was in the hospital and my cousin was with him, all alone. I rushed to the hospital and saw him in pain. He met an accident. The work of an irresponsible and arrogant jeepney driver who tried to overtake a jeepney and in turn, banged his jeep into a parked trailer along Recto Avenue, just in front of San Sebastian College.
I was devastated. But I controlled my emotions and put my mind into work. My other brother and his wife arrived two hours later. It was only when I arrived that I saw some action on my brother. These government hospitals are lousy. And I would never dare bring anyone close to me to Jose Reyes Memorial. Baka pa sa UP-PGH me mangyari pa.
10 days. It took him 10 days to live after that. I was basking in the hope that he would live. I agreed to a critical brain operation. I have no choice. It was something that I gambled because it brought hope. Cynical that I am, I was holding into that hope. Hope that he will be able to hack it.
I never thought that I could cling into that hope. I was on verge of breakdown. I never showed any distress so as not to distract my mother. I would not want to add to her dilemma. And I would see to it that she rested while in the hospital. We practically lived at Chinese General Hospital for 10 days.
And suddenly, everything went berseck. My brother have an attack. There was an inflammation in the middle of his brain and even an another operation was ruled out. I would have sold my soul to let that tinge of hope remained. Why was it that every time I enter the ICU, something has to happen? Why is it until the last days, my brother would not want to see me hurt? Why?
I have never prayed so hard in my life than then. I just remembered when I was in the hospital chapel with my mother, there was somebody also praying and she looked so serene. I felt the calming effect everytime I took a glance at her. But I ignored. Left to my distress, I cried. I wanted God to give my brother a chance. I was gambling with my life.... to get me instead of my brother. And I bargained hard. And of course, it was not granted.
4 days before that fateful day, I already prepared for the inevitable. I decided on Funeraria Paz. Natawa nga yung kausap ko dun, kasi nung tinanong ako, kung saan kukunin ang body, sabi ko daw, " wala pa, mamatay pa lang, hindi ko alam kung kelan. pag nakapag-decide na ako." The nerve. Tinignan ako ng mga tao pati na mga best friend ng brother ko. It just blurted out. My rational mind is already prepared. But, I was in complete denial. I was still clinging on that hope.
Pagbalik ko sa hospital, I had a heart to heart talk with the doctor. No hope. Let us just wait. And we waited. I signed the waiver to give consent not to give any aggressive life sustaining procedures should anything happened. And I transferred him to the normal room, out of ICU. And we waited. And he did not give in. And I still held on. Sabi ko, tomorrow, we will do it (Monday). Monday came and I did nothing. Lumakas pa ulan. Hindi rin puede Tuesday kasi color coding ang kotse ko. D ako makakagalaw. Hintay ulit. Baka me milagro pang mangyari. Wednesday, I finally let go. A kind nun came into the room and I practically cried my heart out and said my goodbyes to my brother. I asked for God's forgiveness for being so selfish. My brother would not go because I would not want him to go. Even to the last, he was still the obedient brother that I have. And he was waiting for me , giving me time to decide and he will just follow. But I could not hold it longer. I was prolonging the inevitable. And I gave in. Caved in the last desire of hope and I surrendered him to his Creator. In his Goodness. And I know he will be more safe and happy with Him than with me. And I understood. Completely. Full of shame, I asked for His forgiveness. And I felt light.
I asked my brother to remove the life support systems. And we waited. And he passed away as quickly as it was removed. He did not even gasp. He was gone all along. And I bid him adieu. I waited for my mother to be brought home to prepare for the wake. And I asked the hospital staff to give me time again. I said goodbye. I told him to follow God's Light, to feel God's presence, to bask in His GLory.
And I kissed him for the last time. Embraced that cold body with all the strength I can muster. And his friends never dared touch or control me that time. They knew. I had to be with him, just that last moment.
Yes, I have already made my tribute to him in another fora. But I never unloaded myself this much. And looking back, I still cry. Catharsis. Memories. After thoughts. And confident that he is with His Creator who love him so much that He welcomed him with open, caring and loving arms.
Today, I remember him. Today, I ask again for God's pardon. Today, I requested God to look after him. And with that prayer, to look after us the living. My brother is happy in His presence. But we the living need God's Help more than the dead. We still have to battle with the realities of life. We have to prove that our life is qualified to appear in HIs presence when our time comes.
And why is it that we are finding difficulty in doing so? God, help us. Please show us the way to your Heart. Please do not leave us in our hours of distress. Please help us strengthen our resolve in not committing any transgressions. Please guide us always so that we will become more deserving to face when You call us to your heavenly abode.
Thank you, God, for Your omnipresence and still tickling us to remind us that Your are still around. Thank you, Lord, for giving us the graces despite our frailties and inequities. You are truly one good God. And I love you so much. Please teach more to love You that way that You deserved to be loved.
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