Short on Temper - Typical of Middle Age ???

I have always been accused of being a grouch. Mataray. Sumpungin. Pero madaling lapitan. At my age now, it is becoming more prevalent. Is it because my body metabolism is changing as I grow old?

I easily get pissed off. Small matters. Large matters. I cannot tolerate stupidity. I cannot tolerate plain dumbness. But before I was so patient. Even utterly trying to teach some guys new tricks and lessons that go with their work. I am what you may call an adoring and conscientious teacher.

But now? well, i am very short on temper. Konti lang, I ignite with intensity. I feel sad because I am not this way before. Me napa-iyak ako kanina. Kawawa naman. Hindi naman ako sa kanya galit kundi dun sa boss niya , e siya nabalingan ko. I will apologize to her tomorrow.

Is this really natural for guys my age? Matandang binata na bugnutin? Physically, I am really a snob. Very unapproachable. But once you get to talk to me, I am quite amusing. I am a lousy person. I babble. I clown. Kaya nga lang, I am very candid. Outright candid talaga. If I am good, then I am polite. If I am not, then I get bitchy. People in my loop know this. They just take me for what I am. Hindi ko naman pine-personal e.

kaya, I think this is part of ageing. I am growing gold, ooops, old pala. I am nearing my golden years. And I do not know what to feel. I am afraid, kasi tatanda na ako. Nonetheless, I am pragmatic and I accept that this is part of what we all know as life. Haay, buhay. I wanted to live in suspended animation and just cherish the fond memories of youth. And that is wishful thinking. Daydreaming pa nga.

Tiring and Yet Not Fulfilling - Look foward Retirement Years at 43

Those who are slaves in the corporate world, yours truly included, have an never ending litany of how they wanted to get out of the arena that demand so much but does not give much in return. A salary? The bonus? The promotions? The what? One is only as good as his last rating. One is not indispensable. One can always be the fall guy. One is simply a simpleton that has to earn his keep.

Yes, it is tiring. Mondays to Fridays. 8:30 to 5:30. And sometimes, even more. The routine has become part of my life. And weekends have become sacrosanct to me. No work. But then, if needed, I have to work even on a god-dammed weekend.

Question? Am I happy? No. Am I fullfilled? No. Is this the way I want my life to be? No. But do I have a choice? NO. Then why I am here? Because I earn from it. My sustenance. And I have a tenure that I am keeping. So that in less than two years from now, I can get my optional retirement pay. That would be the day. That would be the time that I am looking forward. And then what?

Rest for a month. Then, take stock and look for options for income generating purposes. I have to live after work. I need to have an alternative income after retirement. I can teach. Oh, how I love to teach. During my hiatus, I plan to get my MBA. So that I can teach.

And I hope that I am looking forward to less hassles. I plan to put a small sari-sari store. Typical Filipino, right? Or maybe, a gotohan? or a canteen, perhaps. Or I can be a talent manager for those who want to get into the Japan scenes? Or a small videoke stuff? There are many options and all of these options are far more detached and different from what I can do now. I may want to go into theatre, but that is pushing the edge since I am already 43, and I don't think I can land cover page as your next boy next door personality. Ilusyon na yun!.

I can get to read as much books as I can get. I will try to upgrade my PC to become more powerful so that I can do some techie stuff while not doing something. I can practically be a bum, if I so choose. I can have many options. And it is mine to decide what will happen to me after retirement.

So, have I forgotten something? Ah yes, my insurances, I plan to continue. Get rid of my credit cards. Be frugal, but comfortable. Gone are the days of spending sprees. Gone will be the days of gimikan. It will be a quiet life ahead of me. And boy, am I looking forward to that time?

Ciao!

Disappointments

The insecurities at work come into play. At 43, I have nothing to prove. Actually, I am already a candidate to become a member of a group called "biding their time". and waiting for retirement to come. But that is not my nature.

I am a very pro-active person. I can make people move. I challenge the norms. I motivate people to work kahit hindi ko sila mga tao. I have foresight. I am keen on strategy. And most of people, I am a stiff and stubborn negotiator of contracts.

Even without trying, I overperform. Not that outstanding. But definitely more than what one calls "meeting the standards". And surely, I expect a reward in the form of a rating. Syempre. Consciously or unconsciously, andun yong expectations palagi. Bakit naman hindi? I toil because 1) I am fulfilled, 2) I know that I will be rewarded, 3) It is a job to be done for the company. But sometimes, reality sinks in. Hindi palaging ganun. There are realities that are hard to accept. I am a performance based person. I do not follow norms because I know that one has to extend the limit of up to what can one do. Beyond the scope. Beyond the realities. Dapat me added-value. But the corporate world is an ingrate. It does not work that way.

I am frustrated and disappointed at the way things happen. I feel bad because after all the efforts had been given and one is not given a deserving reward. I feel sad because it is my fault.

Starting tomorrow, I shall perform a work that is satisfactorily. Done in an efficient manner. Basta I just meet the standards. I have to live to that rating. Or else people will say that I do not deserve it. nakakahiya naman if i overperform and yet my rating is satisfactory.

Tomorrow, people will notice a big change. A transformation from an star performer to an average worker. Why give extra when one is not rewarded? That will be my advocacy. That will be my future direction. I shall wade my time until I am entitled to my optional retirement. And after that, goodbye to the corporate world. I shall be free from doing the work of others. Let them do the work. Let them toil. And I will just give them just enough to finish the job.

No added-value. No more competition. At least, in the next rating, hindi na sila mahirapan pa. Surely, I have low-morale now. Anger? It will come in later. Delayed ang reaction ko palagi. Until it sinks deep, I will not feel it now. Sa susunod siguro. At least ako, I will not be disappointed. I will just say that I deserve it truly.

That is the reality. And I hate it. And at my age, I do not want to play a martyr. I have nothing to lose if I do not overextend. I will just play it safe and just do my work normally.

First Post - Insights into the Mind of the Man from Manila

At 43, life must continue to become normal and natural. Going to 44, it does seem to become more routinary. Books, the Net, films, good shows, they are just about the things that pre-occupy this busy man with a busy mind. Sometimes, it pays not to think at all. Because it gets tiring. But when the mind become idle, the thoughts become rotten. An exercise would be to write down the thoughts to make it work.

Middle-age life seems frightening to many. But not me. Why be scared to move on and collide head-on with the challenges that face a middle-aged single man? I am a forlorn creature, full of dreams, short on ideas, content with simple pleasures. Why make it difficult? Living is already a difficult task. Why be hard on oneself? Living everyday is already a task by itself. Tiring. Boring. Exciting. Blissful. But life is wonderful.

One has to move on. Create a scenery. Believe. Love. Cry. Frustrate. Anger. Angst?

Join me in my travails as I pursue the paradox that we call life. In a nutshell. Amidst a song. In the body of masterpiece.

I am rotogold. the golden year is yet to come. Welcome me into your perceptions. Follow my goals. Weep with me in my trials. Savor me in my happiness.