A Greeting

I mark another year in life. I love and live.

It feels good though in a sense, things are still lacking.

Yet I am satisfied. By thoughts that I have lived in satisfaction.

Not much. Not too few. Just enough.

I have never crossed anybody.

I have never betrayed anyone.

I have not done others evil.

In fact, many evils have been inflicted on me. But I learned and survived.

How foolish of me to think that I shall overcome. But I overcame.

The weakness of the past, the pain of the present, and the uncertainty of another future. Another year... when I reach the Golden Year....


Happy birthday to me!

Hindi na ako tatanga-tanga

I discovered I have written something in December 2006. This came as a result of a foolishness. And I have learned very hard to be sober. It pays to be such. All the times.


nasira ang buhay ko.

pinilit bumangon

na naka bangon ng muli

mas matatag

mas matibay

pero hindi na marunong magpatawad

sa mga taong wala kwenta.

at pinatigas ang ang puso kong dating punong puno ng pagmamahal.

ngayon ay nababalot na na ng pagtatanong at walang tiwala.

ngunit buhay pa rin at sasabihin kong mas matindi ang sinong mang magtatangkang lokohin ako ulit.

dahil hindi na ako papaloko pa.

at hindi nila sila makaka isa.

Sila na ang magiging tanga.

Sila ang magdurusa.

Ako, ay nagbago na.

Hindi na ako tatanga tanga.

Happy with my 3 J's

It made me feel good to sing with my nephews.

Joshua was a relevation. Despite his challenge, he did not have the hang-up of getting the microphone and sang to his heart's delight. Kahit wala kaming naiintindihan sa kinanta niya, I was very very proud of him.

Jerome, despite the antics, was the pa-cute. Kung sabagay, guwapo naman kase. And being the youngest, he was all full of verve. Ha ! Youth and all their energies.

Jed is the distant one. The formal type. Manang mana sa daddy niya! lols. If only my brother could read this ! He would kill me !

And despite my professed hatred with the letter 'J", my three J's are the most wonderful I can ever have. Kahit hindi ko mga anak !


Jed is mana naman sa akin sa utak. An achiever, perhaps. I really really he makes good in his profession as a CPA. And he will start work na November 16 ! Magkapit bahay na kami sa Makati!

I hope I can live longer to see them longer. I really love my nephews.

And Mama of course, the ever doting Lola that she is, was all smiles. Complete kase ang family niya. Me, my brother, his wife, and their children and I was with someone who has been with me for many many years na kilala naman nila. Kaya no problemo.

I never thought that I would be happy this November 1st. Sa tuwa ko , naibili ko tuloy ng DVD-karaoke tuloy sila ! out of the blues !

My youngest brother who is dead na, and my father - I could only see them - smiling at us.

It is very seldom that we are all complete. And I will always cherish the days that we are together in one roof.

Passing the Baton

It has been quite a while.

November 1st. A time to commemorate the memory of the dead.

And not quite a long time ago, I have been saddled with such a tragedy I thought I would not be able to survive it.

This day, I remember my father and my youngest brother who had joined the Great Creator.

My memories are select. I like to dwell on the sweet memories when they were still on the mortal plane.

Tyron had been quite a child. A big one. At 29, he could had been at the prime. But then he had been taken away and called to his destiny.

Then, I was bargaining in exchange for his life to take mine instead. I may not have lived a full life but I can go, he can stay as he has many many years ahead of him

But Fate was not that kind. Maybe the Creator has reasons - reasons we always question because they are not congruent with ours.

And from then on, I stopped questioning. I take things as they happen. Without question. Because there may be a reason for everything, only that we do not know what those are.


November 1st this year is a celebration. The birthday of my eldest nephew, who just passed the CPA Board Exams and who has been accepted in his first job at Punongbayan and Araullo.

I can call that a blessing even if the blessing is not mine.

I am happy already. At least, I know that my siblings are content. And can take charge.

I am now ready to pass the baton to them.

I Rant.. Games. Commit

I wished I were like Aris, who can really write !
Guilty ako na inggit ako kase hindi ako makasulat ng katulad niya.
His latest blog was indeed one would have wished he could have written instead.

I am one who cannot tell a story straight. I like more to rant about anything else.
But one with a story and twist and all that, I would betray myself.

Sometimes, the words do come out, especially in emotional times.

But more often, words will come out when there is anger.

Most of what I have written were products of anger, if I may say so.

I am nothing compared to the "great" writers of blog. I am not spontaneous. I am very prejudiced. Bigoted. Insipid.

Mostly, my free time is devoted not into writing but with Facebook games. I do not know why.

It started when I only started accepting invites, without any intention of really playing.

But something caught my attention. And up to now, it is eating much of my time.

I have reason why I have to go home early from work because the food will rot, or the fish will die, or my workers will tire of exhaustion because there is no food !

Imagine Me playing those virtual games with such intensity and commitment !

I must be crazy!

What is it with the letter J ?

In a sudden twist of fate, I have been meeting people whose names start with the letter J.

I do not know if I am being punished for such, or is this a sign that I forgive and forget?

I have forgiven but have not forgotten.

The pain is not anymore there. I have lived and moved on quite well and I guess, there is also the acceptance of things.

I believe that sooner or later , a better J will emerge. A person who will wait and understand the idiosyncracies of my mind. I do not know, But maybe that J will be the one who will be willing to stay with me in my old age - or would i be unfair and selfish to impose on it?

Again , I do not know. The life that lies ahead is uncertain. For a single person, it is a possibility. The uncertainty, that is.

it has to end

Dito ko na lang isusulat.

konti lang ang bumibisita sa blog ko dito.

I have been silent for the past how many days na nga ba?

I do not want to make things complicated.

Ayaw ko na ng drama.

Ayaw ko na ng mag-iisip pa ako.

Ayaw ko na din na iniisip ako ng ibang tao.

Ayaw ko na ng hindi ko magawa ang dapat kong gawin kase meron akong inaalala pa na pag hindi ko ginawa iisipin ko pa.

Ayaw ko na ng merong naguiguilty dahil lang sa mga maling akalang AKO ay nawawala na at AKO ay nagbago.


This has to end.


I am sorry.

I promised that I will not leave you.

But thinking forward, you do not deserve me.

I have my priorities laid out straight before you came.

And I bet against hope that it would fit in.

Apparently, it is impossible.

Perhaps, you concentrate on your priorities muna.

I will on mine.


Honestly, you pushed me down hard. very hard when you made me feel guilty. Because it is true. I have neglected you.


And I admit the mistake. Kaya it is better hanggang maaga to stop this.

It has to end.

Take care.

2008 na and i have not written a blog yet?

My God!

I forgot my blog.


2008 na and not one entry yet?


I must be busy with my multiply site.


anyway... hello blog....


hope you did not miss me at all!

I am back

It's been like forever when I last visited blogspot. My original blogging activities started here.

And I got distracted.

I just wanted to say hello to blogspot


Click on my realm and my recent blogs are there...


need i repost it here?

My Own Litte Way

i asked myself too many questions.

Questions na ewan ko ba kung me sagot o wala.

I keep on living as if tomorrow will not be there.

Na palaging huling araw ko na palagi.

I keep on wondering the senseless direction in my life.

Na kahit d ko pa nakukuha ang ambisyon ko ay masaya naman ako.

I want to believe that I matter in this world.

I want to believe that I can make a dent.

I want to believe that I have reached to many and I have affected them in my own litte way.

Am I happy?

Maybe?

I may say that I am, I can say I am not. But what makes one happy?

a drink?
a smoke?
a principled stand?
a simple life?
a lover?
a car?
a house?
a flower?
a thorn?

Things , little things make me happy.

a smile
a friend
a consort
a healthy life
a meaningful life

But is this all?

Yes and no.

We are humans. Homo-sapiens.

We choose the time to be happy.

We create the time to be happy.

We decide when it is time to be happy.

So am I happy now?

My Emancipation

My Emancipation

Wavering, I bravely faced the inevitable

of realizing that anger will do me no good.

And true enough, I have been emancipated

from the negative vibes that come with it.

Though not yet complete, I shall still endure

As I did for the last eight months of being angry.

When the time comes, when the realization is over

I shall be willingly to forgive even if not asked.

For the moment, I feel no more anger nor pain

despite the trauma that it did cost me

Then, I lived a life from a daily existence

Now, I look at life towards a better tomorrow.

And I am starting to see rainbows again

with its radiant colors teeming in front of me.

I may be in the middle of my mortal life

but I vow never to be hurt nor be used nor be sullied again

I vow that I shall learn to love as I love and we love

And accept that that love can be lost in any manner possible.

For the meaning of this wordly existence can never be complete

without the opposite being felt to create the equilbruim.

I have emerged from this triumphant, not downtrodden

For it is beckong a new lease on life - a new beginning.

A new journey , A new set of experiences

A rebirth. A homecoming. A welcome change.

That I can truly say that I have come back from reality

And set my foot clearly on the ground, just like a human.

As we need to all do. As humans.

My Dilemma

My dliemma

I am a polygamous monster. I am incapable of loving only one. I have the capacity to love more than one and carry

on a relationship with more than one.

Will that make me a rather despicable person? Will it reflect my low morality? Do I have the "moral ascendancy"

to be part of this group?

My life , you already know. My life, mysterious as it seems, is as transparent as everyone else. Predictable. Ratonal.

Intellectual. Malandi.

But i know that I ran counter to the natural laws of love. I am not monogamous. And I am not afraid of saying so.

That is life.

My Loneliness Part III

My Loneliness Part 3

I wish I could disparage the thoughts of evil men so that I can prevail over the frustrations. I wish I could be ominipresent so that I could sustain my thirst for life. But I am human indeed and I am doomed to fail , once in a while.

Why do I have to wait on longing for something that would not even come? Why do I have to drown in despair for something that is not even mine?

I saw the foreboding and I intentionally ignored it. I saw the signs and I looked the other way. I am blinded by the power of love that it does not augur well for my well-being. Am I now in the midst of cleansing stage that I have to unburden before the rest of the world so that I can be whole once again?

My sadness is silently creeping into my whole being. My inadequacies are resounding. I do not anymore know which is the way to go. I am nothing. I am chaos. I belong to the void.

My Loneliness Part !!

My Loneliness II

I have been found guilty of expressing an emotion that should not have been expressed in the first place. And when I so choose to tread on the path that will again beget a conflic in my life, will i rise up to the challenge and meet them head on?

I am forlorn because the more I feel love for a person and the more I give way and understand even if it is not reciprocated, am I crazy? Sad, because I choose to capture the rebound. Sad, because I know that thru experience, it will not lead nowhere. Sad, because I am beginning to fall again.

I hope that my loneliness is temporary. I hope that I will eventually get out of this denial stage that I can truly love a person for whatever worth it is. Sad, because I choose to feel the pain and not the happiness. Sad, because I choose to follow the dictates of my heart rather than the logic and the rational.

My Loneliness Part I

My Loneliness

I am about to commit the same mistake. I know that it is wrong but the feeling is stronger. Call it the temptation. And an ongoing battle is ensuing within me. Who will win? My mind or my heart?

I vowed that I will not let myself be hurt again. And here I am, practically toying with fire. Am I not that strong enough? Do I not have the strength to control that emotion? Am I a willing pawn? Do I become weak? Do I succumb again?

Questions! Questions ! I know the answers but I do not want to follow them. The call of the heart is powerful. The shouting is louder. The vibration is tumultous. I am about to erupt. Like a lava, it is slowly burning all that it touches. And like hell, I am forever damned.

I am lonely. I am very sad. My loneliness stems from an unsatiated desire to be with someone very far to reach. I am depressed. I am anxious. My loneliness is deep. I am an old man. A lonely old man.

Doubt and Silence

Sometimes, we are confronted with too many truths , half baked truths and many lies. And it confuses us to no end. Then the doubt persists. The human mind is besieged with so many data and thoughts that we cannot anymore decipher the real from the reel. Unkind to us, but that is how we humans live.

Doubts persists because we like to imagine a story. We like to tell a story. We like to end the story. OUR WAY. OUR THOUGHTS. OUR OWN PREJUDICE.

My rule? Keep silent when in doubt. Let the truth surface. Let the real come out. For it will always come out. Patience is the key. To the listless, this will cause so many sleepless nights. But to the stronger persons, it will shield them from the worries.

Our emotional processes dominate our thoughts when in doubt. Fight this. Let the rational take over. For a reckless thinking will lead to the most irrational decision.

Silence is like rest. It helps create the energy that will carry one to the finish. And when revitalized, the truth shall come out and the doubt will expire. If the truth is equal to the doubt, then face it head -on and calmly. For surely, the energy that you have saved will surely aid you in meeting the challenge face to face.

Givng Space

Space. A much daunted word that is seemingly becoming a cliché. Space. I want my space. I need a space. You give me space. Yan ang katagang naging dahilan ng mga me relasyon. Mapalalaki man o babae.

Ano ba ang space? Ang magbigay ng luwag para sa sariling oras at kapakanan? Really, a space is just like a breather that is needed once in a while before the two of you suffocate. Is it needed? Is it real? Is it a warning sign of a brewing disaster?

When someone starts asking for a space, it means only thing. Trying times. Damn trying times. I need to be alone. I need a respite. I need some air. Space.

It is no wonder then that relationships end up in ruins because either no space was granted or too space was too close to comfort that both have learned to forget the relationship. So how much space? Enough for a relationship to survive. Neither here nor there. Just that much.

Because giving space is not really a sacrifice. But a courtesy. Two persons cannot be one. Each has its own identity. Each has its own levity. Each has its own idiosyncrasy. And when too much had trespassed in each other’s turf, then a conflict arises.

Question is : Space is really needed? A breather? A spoiler of boredom? A motivation to be fresh? A foreboding of bad things to come?

All of the above. And when the relationship is handled well because there is that sense of understanding. A space is not a black star. A space is rest in aid of a relationship. For whatever what people think, even in a relationship, one cannot alter the fact that there are two distinct personalities that make a relationship and it should meld to be successful? Giving space is one of the aids that make it geld.

Especially in our alternative lifestyle. Especially when the odds are against having such a relationship. Perhaps it isn’t too much of a favor when such space is granted.

How one looks a giving space will dictate the result it is perceived it can give. And one looks at it in an adverse way, then surely giving space is not an effective mechanism because it will breed more anger than peace.

How about it guys? You think we need to give some space in a relationship?
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A different Me

A newer me? o yes, a lot. a total make over....

I never decided until recently that I needed to change everything ... my looks. I have dramatically changed. From a 38" waistline , I am now down to 31". From a heavy 190 lbs, I am now a slender 144 lbs. all in 7 months. A total makeover. and I will be visiting the gym soon... to firm up whatever lost I have made in the past.

It feels good. I feel sexy. I feel light. And my friends are noticing. I do not want to look like a 45 year old man. I want to look like a delectable 45 year old man! hahahahahahhahahahhaha..A statement!

and it is producing results..... whatever that means................

an ego-boost, you tell me. Oh , definitely! for why not? I can be what the younger men of these days can possibly be. I have learned to realize that having a good phsyique is quite advantageous. and it is making its dent. For surely, I can still be on the watch prey! hahahahahahaha

Come on, guys. We don't want to be looking like respectable 45 year olds. Let us look like tasty 45 year old guys! And I am not kidding.........

Happy Endings........???????

In one of the threads in the vast internet, i came across a discussion where someone asked if there is indeed a happy ending. I guess this means in a relationship. I will talk in general here. I will not distinguish between heterosexual and homosexual relationship. But plain relationship in general.

I was suprised when I read that there are some who do not believe in happy endings. just being cynical? Our purpose in life is to live in happiness. that is the ultimate objective of our existence. but because we are humans, we falter and fall. And we misconstrue everything that happens to us.

Happy endings are supposed to happen. Happy endings must happen. That is my proposition. Things end up sad or tragic is because we view things differently. We crave for revenge. We long for pity. We ask for deliverance. We pray for the heaven. And when things do not emerge as we hope for, we are devasted. Kaya we see it in a different way.

Thinking otherwise, if we do not expect things, then we do not encounter the negatives. And we look at positive perspective. We do not say "we were not mean for each other" . We say "our time has come to pass and there is a wide range of choice for us to move forward". Two disparate notions, but only singular in effect. How ironic, isn't it?

We always side on the negative aspect. Because it is more dramatic? Being happy is a given? is this the reason why we give it a little thought?

On the premise that two distinct individuals fall for each other, have a relationship and part ways, which is the best way to go? Happy or Sad? Of course, you would say happy, Everyone likes it to happen that way..... And unfortunately, it doesn't so we cope and become happy again. A palliative perhaps to ease the pain? No, there is no such thing. A relationship is bound to end sooner or later, literally and figuratively. Like finite creatures that we are, relationships are not a lifetime phenomena.

So what will make a happy ending? Fairy tells have all the classic examples of how a relationshiop should go, if one wants to become happy. But those are fairy tales. In reality, what make us happy then? I submit that there is no distinct difference at all. Relattionshps are just relationships. For both to endure.

So, we have to make the best while it is still there. And while it is happy. For it not, why stay in a relationship?

Life is good, but life can be mean. But what the heck!