My Emancipation

My Emancipation

Wavering, I bravely faced the inevitable

of realizing that anger will do me no good.

And true enough, I have been emancipated

from the negative vibes that come with it.

Though not yet complete, I shall still endure

As I did for the last eight months of being angry.

When the time comes, when the realization is over

I shall be willingly to forgive even if not asked.

For the moment, I feel no more anger nor pain

despite the trauma that it did cost me

Then, I lived a life from a daily existence

Now, I look at life towards a better tomorrow.

And I am starting to see rainbows again

with its radiant colors teeming in front of me.

I may be in the middle of my mortal life

but I vow never to be hurt nor be used nor be sullied again

I vow that I shall learn to love as I love and we love

And accept that that love can be lost in any manner possible.

For the meaning of this wordly existence can never be complete

without the opposite being felt to create the equilbruim.

I have emerged from this triumphant, not downtrodden

For it is beckong a new lease on life - a new beginning.

A new journey , A new set of experiences

A rebirth. A homecoming. A welcome change.

That I can truly say that I have come back from reality

And set my foot clearly on the ground, just like a human.

As we need to all do. As humans.

My Dilemma

My dliemma

I am a polygamous monster. I am incapable of loving only one. I have the capacity to love more than one and carry

on a relationship with more than one.

Will that make me a rather despicable person? Will it reflect my low morality? Do I have the "moral ascendancy"

to be part of this group?

My life , you already know. My life, mysterious as it seems, is as transparent as everyone else. Predictable. Ratonal.

Intellectual. Malandi.

But i know that I ran counter to the natural laws of love. I am not monogamous. And I am not afraid of saying so.

That is life.

My Loneliness Part III

My Loneliness Part 3

I wish I could disparage the thoughts of evil men so that I can prevail over the frustrations. I wish I could be ominipresent so that I could sustain my thirst for life. But I am human indeed and I am doomed to fail , once in a while.

Why do I have to wait on longing for something that would not even come? Why do I have to drown in despair for something that is not even mine?

I saw the foreboding and I intentionally ignored it. I saw the signs and I looked the other way. I am blinded by the power of love that it does not augur well for my well-being. Am I now in the midst of cleansing stage that I have to unburden before the rest of the world so that I can be whole once again?

My sadness is silently creeping into my whole being. My inadequacies are resounding. I do not anymore know which is the way to go. I am nothing. I am chaos. I belong to the void.

My Loneliness Part !!

My Loneliness II

I have been found guilty of expressing an emotion that should not have been expressed in the first place. And when I so choose to tread on the path that will again beget a conflic in my life, will i rise up to the challenge and meet them head on?

I am forlorn because the more I feel love for a person and the more I give way and understand even if it is not reciprocated, am I crazy? Sad, because I choose to capture the rebound. Sad, because I know that thru experience, it will not lead nowhere. Sad, because I am beginning to fall again.

I hope that my loneliness is temporary. I hope that I will eventually get out of this denial stage that I can truly love a person for whatever worth it is. Sad, because I choose to feel the pain and not the happiness. Sad, because I choose to follow the dictates of my heart rather than the logic and the rational.

My Loneliness Part I

My Loneliness

I am about to commit the same mistake. I know that it is wrong but the feeling is stronger. Call it the temptation. And an ongoing battle is ensuing within me. Who will win? My mind or my heart?

I vowed that I will not let myself be hurt again. And here I am, practically toying with fire. Am I not that strong enough? Do I not have the strength to control that emotion? Am I a willing pawn? Do I become weak? Do I succumb again?

Questions! Questions ! I know the answers but I do not want to follow them. The call of the heart is powerful. The shouting is louder. The vibration is tumultous. I am about to erupt. Like a lava, it is slowly burning all that it touches. And like hell, I am forever damned.

I am lonely. I am very sad. My loneliness stems from an unsatiated desire to be with someone very far to reach. I am depressed. I am anxious. My loneliness is deep. I am an old man. A lonely old man.

Doubt and Silence

Sometimes, we are confronted with too many truths , half baked truths and many lies. And it confuses us to no end. Then the doubt persists. The human mind is besieged with so many data and thoughts that we cannot anymore decipher the real from the reel. Unkind to us, but that is how we humans live.

Doubts persists because we like to imagine a story. We like to tell a story. We like to end the story. OUR WAY. OUR THOUGHTS. OUR OWN PREJUDICE.

My rule? Keep silent when in doubt. Let the truth surface. Let the real come out. For it will always come out. Patience is the key. To the listless, this will cause so many sleepless nights. But to the stronger persons, it will shield them from the worries.

Our emotional processes dominate our thoughts when in doubt. Fight this. Let the rational take over. For a reckless thinking will lead to the most irrational decision.

Silence is like rest. It helps create the energy that will carry one to the finish. And when revitalized, the truth shall come out and the doubt will expire. If the truth is equal to the doubt, then face it head -on and calmly. For surely, the energy that you have saved will surely aid you in meeting the challenge face to face.

Givng Space

Space. A much daunted word that is seemingly becoming a cliché. Space. I want my space. I need a space. You give me space. Yan ang katagang naging dahilan ng mga me relasyon. Mapalalaki man o babae.

Ano ba ang space? Ang magbigay ng luwag para sa sariling oras at kapakanan? Really, a space is just like a breather that is needed once in a while before the two of you suffocate. Is it needed? Is it real? Is it a warning sign of a brewing disaster?

When someone starts asking for a space, it means only thing. Trying times. Damn trying times. I need to be alone. I need a respite. I need some air. Space.

It is no wonder then that relationships end up in ruins because either no space was granted or too space was too close to comfort that both have learned to forget the relationship. So how much space? Enough for a relationship to survive. Neither here nor there. Just that much.

Because giving space is not really a sacrifice. But a courtesy. Two persons cannot be one. Each has its own identity. Each has its own levity. Each has its own idiosyncrasy. And when too much had trespassed in each other’s turf, then a conflict arises.

Question is : Space is really needed? A breather? A spoiler of boredom? A motivation to be fresh? A foreboding of bad things to come?

All of the above. And when the relationship is handled well because there is that sense of understanding. A space is not a black star. A space is rest in aid of a relationship. For whatever what people think, even in a relationship, one cannot alter the fact that there are two distinct personalities that make a relationship and it should meld to be successful? Giving space is one of the aids that make it geld.

Especially in our alternative lifestyle. Especially when the odds are against having such a relationship. Perhaps it isn’t too much of a favor when such space is granted.

How one looks a giving space will dictate the result it is perceived it can give. And one looks at it in an adverse way, then surely giving space is not an effective mechanism because it will breed more anger than peace.

How about it guys? You think we need to give some space in a relationship?
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A different Me

A newer me? o yes, a lot. a total make over....

I never decided until recently that I needed to change everything ... my looks. I have dramatically changed. From a 38" waistline , I am now down to 31". From a heavy 190 lbs, I am now a slender 144 lbs. all in 7 months. A total makeover. and I will be visiting the gym soon... to firm up whatever lost I have made in the past.

It feels good. I feel sexy. I feel light. And my friends are noticing. I do not want to look like a 45 year old man. I want to look like a delectable 45 year old man! hahahahahahhahahahhaha..A statement!

and it is producing results..... whatever that means................

an ego-boost, you tell me. Oh , definitely! for why not? I can be what the younger men of these days can possibly be. I have learned to realize that having a good phsyique is quite advantageous. and it is making its dent. For surely, I can still be on the watch prey! hahahahahahaha

Come on, guys. We don't want to be looking like respectable 45 year olds. Let us look like tasty 45 year old guys! And I am not kidding.........